KayzCorner

I’m very well acquainted with self-sabotage. It’s like every time things seem to be going right I go into system shut down, slam the brakes, make some kind of foolish mistake, lose myself in   misunderstanding. I’ve had people ask are you afraid of failure. I don’t like failure, but I have grown accustomed to it, it has been my modus Operandi, the theme song of my life. I wear it’s scars like armor to save me from  its sting. Well, maybe if it's not failure it's success, I’m not afraid to fall but to fly, because all my insecurities, failings, sadness has been wrapped around me so long and so tight that it has become a second skin and I’m not sure where it ends, and I begin. I’ve become comfortable in my mediocrity, complacent in my poignant inadequacy because my insecurity has been the most constant companion I have ever had, and I don’t know who I’d be without it because it’s all I’ve ever been. People laugh and say, “well you would be you,” ...

I am not exactly an extremely happy person. In fact, for a psychology class, I had to take a personality inventory which told me I am a mostly unhappy individual, which I think is going a little far. As I have mentioned in a previous post I believe that people can be both happy and sad at the same time and even about the same topic. However, I will admit that I tend to be sadder than the average person. I honestly can't remember a time when I wasn't sad and I doubt there will ever be a day when I won't be sad. This might sound extremely cynical and I'm not sure whether I should be so accepting of it, but it has simply been the reality of my life; joy is a loud emotion that is foreign and excitement has always been muted and that just the way it has always been. There have been times in my life when this sadness has just seemed to take over, and I can’t help but see my life through a fog of unhappiness. It seems as though my life both in the past, present, and fu...

I’ve always prided myself on being at least somewhat intelligent. I was the annoying kid in elementary and middle school who rarely ever studied and still walked away with nearly perfect grades in all subjects. Being homeschooled from Kindergarten to 7 th grade meant that I could learn at a variety of grade levels, being taught a grade above my age level in all subjects except math, which I was taught at grade level, and reading, which I was at an advanced level so my parents had me reading adult and teen level books and writing book reports by the age of 8. The only area I didn’t seem to excel was math and so I avoided it like the plague. While I did alright in school, I didn’t really begin to care about grades until around my senior year of high school, worried about getting into a college. I didn’t really have to worry, I was accepted into every school I applied to and I was offered some small scholarships to all of them. My plans changed drastically when my sister died and though...

So, I’ve had the wonderful experience of getting my computer repaired the past two weeks… this is the second time in the span of 3 months and I’ve had this computer for less than a year, needless to say, I am not pleased. As it is, right now I’ve been looking for a job, which has been a bit of a pain, but I’m not going to complain too much. I just want to find something that will make me more competitive when applying for grad school. Right now, I kind of feel as though I’m in a state of limbo, I’ve graduated and I thought I’d be happier about it, but instead, I just feel like I’ve stepped off the edge of a cliff into a void of some unknown depth. I realize that this sounds pretty cliché, but I guess the whole idea of graduating and being thrust into life just reminded me that I really have no idea what I’m doing with my life or where I am going. I graduated with a good GPA, but it still all feels rather pointless. I suppose it may just be the good old existential crisis, anxiety, an...