Self-Sabotage

I’m very well acquainted with self-sabotage. It’s like every time things seem to be going right I go into system shut down, slam the brakes, make some kind of foolish mistake, lose myself in 

 misunderstanding.

I’ve had people ask are you afraid of failure. I don’t like failure, but I have grown accustomed to it, it has been my modus Operandi, the theme song of my life. I wear it’s scars like armor to save me from 

its sting.

Well, maybe if it's not failure it's success, I’m not afraid to fall but to fly, because all my insecurities, failings, sadness has been wrapped around me so long and so tight that it has become a second skin and I’m not sure where it ends, and I begin.

I’ve become comfortable in my mediocrity, complacent in my poignant inadequacy because my insecurity has been the most constant companion I have ever had, and I don’t know who I’d be without it because it’s all I’ve ever been.

People laugh and say, “well you would be you,” but I don’t know who me is, we have only been acquainted through the shroud of my depression and uncertainty. I fear she is lost, lost in a labyrinth of my 

anxiety.

They ask if I want to get better and I say yes, but I always second guess, maybe its just because this is me, I’m used to abjection, never being anyone’s first choice, a sea of misery; I don’t know happy…It’s that unknown that frightens me.