High School Depression

Just a poem I wrote when I was in high school.

Don’t tell me that you know me, cause you don’t. Don’t say you’ll always be right there cause I know you really won’t. I won’t try and be your friend cause I know you’ll never stay. Sooner or later they all tend to forget  me anyway. I feel so cold, I’m really numb; Tell me how could I be so dumb, to think that I could escape and maybe become something great. 

Please oh please, please oh please, please don’t look like that at me. Heartless, heartless I hear them say. Is that all they think of me? Just because I’m not like you doesn’t mean I don’t have feelings too! late at night I sob and cry, cut myself and wish to die.  But I’m not sure if they’d care even if they saw me there. 

Now ask me why I never try, Why I go to run and hide. The mask I wear is far too thin and I’m not comfortable in my skin. I say I’ll change it, wait and see! I’ll become a somebody! But the truth is I don’t think I can, unless I changed all that I am, now tell me how do I do that? Get rid of me become someone else? Someone beautiful and smart, someone who is not afraid who can stand up and be brave, Someone who knows just what to say and where to start ,and most of all who has a heart.

      

If everyone believes it then maybe it is true. Maybe the heart I thought I had really isn’t there. Or maybe I’m just crazy, stupid, lost, insane. Maybe it’s not a heart I lack, but a fucking brain. Either way it doesn’t matter they all spell out the same, “you’re not gonna make it, no matter what you say”. So, should I give up? If there’s no point to even try, then why should I continue living in this twisted lie; that someday I’ll amount to something. I’m tired  and  I feel so alone, maybe I could make it I wasn’t on my own. 

It’s not fair! I really tried! I worked , I bled , I screamed and cried. But in the end, it amounts to nothing, cause I lack that certain something, that make people feel good inside, that makes them want to stand by your side. It’s not my fault! I swear it isn’t! I didn’t know that I was different! I promise if I had seen more early on, my boring story wouldn’t be so long. 

But I can’t give up! Not just yet, I have just one more page to write. I’ve lost every battle so far…but maybe I can win the war…and maybe then I’ll look inside and discover they were wrong. My heart  it may be bruised, torn, and scarred, But it turns out that this old heart of mine, all this time has worked just fine.