Drunk

Drunk

I remember watching him stumbling into the house his voice so loud he woke the neighbors screaming and yelling as he told our mom how everything was her fault, the way he turned out was her fault! And I promised I would never get drunk.

I hid behind the couch with my hands over my ears as my house became a court room of accusations, debates, and sentences as doors were slammed and the sound of crashing noise could be heard from the basement as fists were put through dry wall. And I swore I would never get drunk.

Turning up the radio a little bit louder to drown out the sound of stomach contents being emptied into water, turning up the tv when his hands were shackled because we had the right to remain silent, we wouldn’t say goodbye this time. And I vowed I would never get drunk.

Watching a 6 year old girl walk up to a waitress and apologized for her 

mom’s inebriated antics with a smile of a seasoned actress. Later, she made herself as small as she could be with tears running down her face hiding because she didn’t want to go to the bar and pick up guys, she didn’t want to be left at a strangers house, or watch her mothers face become a painting of black, blue, and red as she fought with yet another boyfriend. Screaming at the police not to take her mom before we were called to pick her up once again. Years later pushing me into a closet and begging me to hide with her, because “they are yelling they won’t stop yelling, he said he is going to kill someone and himself, we have to hide it’s not safe!”

And holding her in my arms i pledged I would never get drunk.

Stolen cars, trashed house, countless court dates, going 125 down a back road in a truck that can’t seem to stay in its lane. Him screaming at me that our dead sister would help him. “Mom’s a useless bitch,” my hand stinging as it strikes him across the face, the feeling of my feet dragging against asphalt as I tried to get him to stop the car. And I made an oath I would never get drunk.

People saying it’s not that bad, that I am such a goody two shoes, why don’t you just get drunk. Just a drink, just a couple. Shaking my head because the only one who hasn’t broken this promise to me is myself.

Feeling hopeless, no one cares, her hands wander and I still tuck her in. Echos in my head it’s just a game it’s just pretend. Bites herself and picks her skin until blood is running down her arm laughing as she is calling my name smearing blood like finger paint. Hugs too long, stares too long, pulls my hair beats my head, says she is going to kill me and herself. Holds me in the middle of the road with oncoming traffic coming to a sudden halt, my hearts pounding, she is starring. Seeing cuts on arms, cuts on arms, children laughing with cuts on their arms, I’m laughing with cuts on my legs. I want to get drunk.

1, 2, 3 in a matter of minutes I can’t seem to stop myself, laughing and suddenly crying, because I think about killing myself and there is nothing in my head telling me not to do it. Stumbling, pulling my hair because I broke my promise and I realized I still wanted to be drunk. 

I promised I would never get drunk because I was afraid that once I reached and grasped that forbidden fruit, my eyes would be opened to it and I would want to reach again...I want to get drunk.