Problematic

I spend a great deal of time on the internet and as I am on it quite often what I’ve discovered is that the internet seems to be obsessed with is discovering every single dirty secret a person might have, exposing them, and holding it over their heads. Someone is uninformed and accidentally says something offensive, the internet automatically jumps on them acting as though they committed some unforgivable crime. I think we are sometimes really tough on people, we jump on every fault we see. Why do people do this, does it make us feel better about ourselves? As I am an extremely defensive person who sometimes does not respond well to criticism, I thought it would be prudent to be open and honest early on; So, before this gets too far, I want to confess…I’m problematic.

I’m not vegan, which some people would claim is problematic in and of itself, and I’m not really vegetarian either and while some people may claim that that is horrible and promotes animal cruelty, I’ve never considered changing. I have made comments out of ignorance before, which looking back at it now could have been hurtful and prejudicial. I can be judgmental and I am often far too defensive if I feel I am being attacked, which considering I am often on edge is quite often. I tend to procrastinate, simply because I’m afraid to start something and it not working out or being judged for the content I create. I tend to be self-deprecating, which can send the wrong message to people and tends to push people away from me. However, I often hide behind a faux over-confidence in my own intelligence, which in turn makes me appear to be arrogant. I preach about mental health and yet avoid seeking out mental health treatment for myself because it is expensive and I’m afraid that a diagnosis might negatively affect my life.  I talk about climate change and how we need to expend efforts to save the planet and yet I don’t recycle as much as I probably could. Finally, I spend most of my time on the internet, avoiding human interaction as much as I can because it makes me feel less anxious.

To be honest, most of those things are simple personality flaws or quirks that really shouldn’t have an impact on how other people view me. Just simple trivial things that the internet likes to pick at as though people should be absolutely perfect and should never exhibit flaws. However, on a more serious note, there was a period of my life, in which I had frequent conversations with another individual about suicide and I didn’t tell anyone. We talked a lot, and she expressed multiple times a concerning amount of suicidal ideation and I never said a word to another person. I don’t know if I thought that somehow we could help each other and we would never have to tell anyone else or if I was simply too afraid to say anything and convinced myself that nothing bad would happen. However, during my sophomore year of high school, she attempted to take her own life. Thankfully, she was unsuccessful and reached out to a mutual friend of ours who immediately took action and convinced her to tell one of our teachers about what she was going through. While it took some time, she finally began to receive treatment for major depression and was seeing a therapist for a while.

I remember when she told me about her suicide attempt I immediately felt numb. I knew that if she had died it would have on some level been my fault because I had known for years that she was suicidal and I never told anyone. I had tried to convince myself that I didn’t have the right to force her to receive help because I had expressed thoughts of suicide as well. Sometimes, I wonder if I was just too scared to tell someone that she needed help because I might have to admit that I needed help as well and I felt like somehow admitting that I wasn’t okay meant I was weak. I let her suffer for years in silence and ruminated about depression and suicide with her because I was a coward. I suppose, I thought that by us talking about our feelings together we were somehow helping each other and we didn’t need anyone else. That wasn’t how it worked though, I think in many ways our conversations were toxic to the other's mental health and instead of healing we just harmed each other. It wasn’t my intention to hurt her, she was someone I felt I could share anything with and we just unloaded on each other. We tried to take care of each other, but we both knew it wasn’t enough. I just didn’t want to admit that I wasn’t enough because I wanted so badly to be enough. However, what I neglected to acknowledge was it wasn’t a measure of how significant I was to her, my not being able to talk her out of her suicide attempt did not mean she didn’t care for me any less and the fact that she couldn’t talk away my depression didn’t mean I didn’t care about her because as hard as it is to admit that isn’t normally how mental illness works. Depression isn’t like how it is so often portrayed in movies, television shows, and novels, loving someone won’t necessarily cure them. You can love someone with every fiber of your being and they can love you back and they can still continue to be depressed and they can still die by suicide.

While she survived her suicide attempt, her depression and low self-esteem throughout middle school and high school negatively affected her perception of her personal abilities and her grades. She wasn’t able to get into the school she wanted and she didn’t stay in therapy for very long. Her life took a different track than it might have, and a little over a year after her suicide attempt she was killed in a car accident. While I truly believe it was an accident, the question has been raised about whether her car crash was really suicide and I suppose I will never know 100 percent for certain that it wasn’t. The police were never able to decipher what made her lose control of her vehicle, but at 18 my sister was gone. Sometimes, I wonder if I’m somewhat to blame for that. If only I had said something sooner than maybe her life would have taken a different direction and she would still be here today. She could have pursued the dreams she thought she wasn’t good enough for and she wouldn’t have been in that car, on that road, at that time, and I wouldn’t feel like crying every time I say her name or even think of her. Perhaps, I am being too hard on myself, I was a kid, a depressed, messed up kid, but it’s hard not to be angry at myself when all I can think about are the consequences. I know that what ifs are illogical and are generally a waste of time, but then again human beings, in general, are so often illogical and these thoughts have haunted me for years.

So, I am problematic, I can’t change the actions I have taken in the past; however, what I can do is change my actions in the future and help others not to make the same mistakes as I did. If you know someone who had expressed suicidal thoughts, tell someone. It isn’t betraying their trust, you are potentially saving their life. I was lucky, my sister’s suicide attempt was unsuccessful, but this story could have ended much sooner than it did. I can’t change the past and as much as I wish I could I can’t bring my sister back, I can’t. All I can do is try to be a better person than I was before and maybe help people not to make the same mistakes I did.

Resources if you or someone you know is feeling suicidal or is struggling with mental health-related issues:

·       UK: The Samaritans on 116 123

·       US:  1-800-273-TALK

·       Specifically for LGBTQ+ youth: The Trevor Lifeline: 866-488-7386.

·       Or go to suicide.org where suicide hotlines from around the world are listed.

·       https://www.nami.org/Learn-More/Know-the-Warning-Signs

Note: If you do not feel comfortable talking on the phone there are plenty of online resources and texting hotlines that will provide help as well. There are resources out there, please seek help.