Mental Health Awareness: My Story

Hello everyone, continuing with the theme of mental health for the month, I figured I would share a bit of my own story about mental illness. This is something I've avoided talking about publicly due to the stigma attached to mental illness; however, I think that openness and discussion about mental illness is one of the most effective ways to reduce the stigma surrounding mental illness, and if I'm going to ask others to be honest about their struggles then I should be open and honest about mine. I have social anxiety, it isn't extremely severe, I am currently able to go outside and go to many social functions without too much stress and it has become more manageable over time; however, there are many situations that cause me a great deal of stress. I was homeschooled when I was younger, which before anyone comments on that being homeschooled did not cause my anxiety. I was fairly social as a child and I wouldn't say that I worried all that much, my sister and I used to talk to strangers standing behind us in the checkout line at the grocery store. At some point, I started to withdrawal until I rarely socialized with anyone outside my family. I would bring a book everywhere I went so I would have an excuse not to talk to anyone. When I was forced to interact with other people I would become extremely anxious, I would tremble, my heart would pound, and I would experience severe headaches. Eventually, this grew to the point that when I was forced to interact with large groups I would sometimes start to hyperventilate and scratch my right hand.

My social anxiety was not a huge issue considering I was homeschooled, I was not forced to interact with large groups of people regularly. However, when I was 13, with the help of a family friend, I began 8th grade at a small parochial school. I barely spoke to anyone, replying to teachers only when I had to and speaking to other students only when necessary. For the first four months I was in school a barely said a word and I didn't interact with anyone, instead I kept to myself the entire time. Thankfully, due to a very persistent friend and general acclimation, I started to open up more and talk to people in my class. This of course was limited, considering there were only 13 people in my class and 120 people at my school including kindergarten to 12th grade.

When I started high school I spent most of my time with my sister and a small group of friends. I still didn't go to social events, I didn't go to concerts or music festivals and I didn't go to parties. During the summers I spent most of my time at home, except for a few friends that were invited over or if I went somewhere with my sister. My parents would tell me just to interact with people more and that I simply wasn't trying hard enough, but the more I tried the more anxious I became. I spent most of my time on the internet, but I didn't really interact with anyone there either because commenting on things was almost as difficult as face-to-face interaction. It came to a point that I couldn't imagine living that way anymore; I felt lonely, worthless, and like a failure, because no one understood why I was the way I was. I kept everyone at arm's length, except for my sister Cara and my niece and I wasn't always open with them either, I didn't like to be touched and I didn't like it when people came too close. I felt guilty because I had no logical reason to be afraid and the more guilty I felt the sadder I felt, which in turn made me feel guilty because I knew other people had it so much worse. What right did I have to be depressed? It came to the point that when people asked me where I imagined myself in 10 years or even just 5 years, I couldn't give an honest answer because the thought of living that long was terrifying. I didn't make plans for college and my grades suffered because I wasn't planning on being around very long. It wasn't that I thought no one cared about me, it was simply that I felt I was a burden on everyone. My sister Cara had mental health issues of her own and I felt that I was dragging her down, preventing her from living the life she wanted because I was always clinging to her and she didn't want to go places without me because she was worried about me. I felt like I was a disappointment to my parents because I felt like I would never add up to anything. I felt as though I annoyed my friends and niece and that I was holding them back and eventually I began to believe that they only put up with me because my sister wanted them to, not because they wanted to be around me.

I never reached out for help, I suppose I was too afraid to actually open up to another person other than my sister. It took the bombshell of my sister's own mental health crisis to pull me out of my downward spiral and I decided that I couldn't be allowed to feel that way because I needed to be there for her the way she had been there for me my whole life. I had been so focused on myself and my own problems that I hadn't noticed how much she was suffering. I am not saying that I was cured  because that is quite frankly ridiculous, mental illness like any other illness doesn't work that way. I still struggle with anxiety and depression, those are things that will probably never go away and I still sometimes get panic attacks if I'm forced to go somewhere that is too crowded, but I have made efforts to develop more effective coping strategies and I am learning to better manage my disorder.

So, that is a bit of my story, I didn't want to write too much so there are things I will probably share at another time. If you have a story you would like to share please comment with a response. The next posting I will make will probably be about coping strategies, so if you would like to share any strategies you employ to deal with stress, anxiety, or depression please share. If you or someone you know is contemplating suicide please seek help. I promise people care, I care about you and your well-being. Suicide is not the answer. Talk to a friend, family member, or mental health professional. Also, if you think someone you know may be suicidal ask them, asking someone if they are thinking about suicide will not put the idea in their mind; rather, it will let them know that you noticed that they are distressed and that you care, most people want help, they simply do not know how to ask. Speak to them in a confident, gentle, non-judgmental manner and give reassurance. Listen to them and encourage them to seek professional help if necessary.

If you are feeling suicidal do not hesitate to contact a hotline:

UK: The Samaritans on 116 123

US:  1-800-273-TALK

Specifically for  LGBTQ+ youth. The Trevor Lifeline: 866-488-7386.

Or go to suicide.org where suicide hotlines from around the world are listed.

Note: If you do not feel comfortable talking on the phone there are plenty of online resources and texting hotlines that will provide help as well.